Secret Jewish James Dean

Secret Jewish James Dean is
playing tricks
taking the rebuilt car as fast as it can go
and
sleeping in the attic.
It’s Devonshire
and touchdowns
and rice for dinner
again
at 23.

Alfred the Giant
is playing old Indian tricks
driving the car back and forth to shovel the driveway.
Throw a ball again and again
on the floor of Brocks gym
I’m 23
you big banana.

Stitching up the newspaper with your forceps in your
left hand
“Just tell me the number, I’ve got it memorized”
Is it 23?
The best time is knowing time.
Time to break the path
and live lifes riches
4 o’clock mornings

Time to go to the hairdressers in the leather high-backed chair
Time to walk in the rain
and find
a boy to fish with.
Waking
very early
morning tea in the little cups

singing

time to stare away from the pool as you dive in
now Jewish in a big town. No one notices.
So you finally can.
How much time? Who knows.
Still jeans and a t-shirt and a stick of pepperoni
at 60
but you talk less about the number.
Shabbes lessons
singing louder
The best time
is now.

Palm of Her Hand

When one thinks about the icons of the technology business, many faces spring to mind: Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, Michael Dell. Now there’s a new name to add to the list, but not a new face. Combining the anonymity and buzz of Internet upstarts like The Springfield Project with the ruthlessness and opportunism of the Valley’s favorite leadership role model–Attila the Hun–Kate Hunter has taken the scene by storm.

Hunter, the dancer who began her meteoric rise to fame and power as the backdrop for a series of 3Com advertisements, used the Palm campaign and her own marketing savvy to become one of the “hottest new visionaries” in the business, according to industry magazine Russian Brides and Market Cap.

Hunter has quickly become the most visible woman in technology, displacing another dancer, Kim Polese. Hunter knocked Polese off her oft-photographed pedestal and left Katrina Garnett in the dust. Garnett was one of the first women to boast both a room and company of her own in a little black number.

“Garnett had to pay for her own ad,” boasts Hunter. “And she wore a dress. She’s beginning to cover up even more,” referring to Garnett’s recent Forbes cover shot in a leather-vinyl dominatrix outfit. “My ass could kick her ass any day.”

Not content to be the most powerful woman in the technology business, Hunter has been dubbed the “Salome of Silicon Valley” because she is known to wander the halls of the Palm division shrieking “Bring me the head of St. John the Doerr.”

When she insisted she be given a Palm V to play with before stripping down for her now infamous “huddled fetus” billboard, 3Com understood that she was not just another nude model. Before the end of the shoot, the prodigy had already learned how to create her own to-do list. (3Com lore now debates whether the first was “moisturize” or “get dressed.”) Forseeing her role as a leading woman in technology, Hunter worked quickly. Before the ad campaign ended, she created a special feature list for her vision of the future female Palm market:

  • Synchs with your menstrual cycle
  • Detects single men within a 10-yard perimeter
  • Does your colors digitally
  • Alarm beeps every time you break The Rules
  • Recipes!
  • Makes counting calories fun
  • Fits in your tiny, frail hand

Hunter then marshalled support from highly-respected female authorities to back-up the campaign she knew would be controversial.

“There is nothing as powerful as the female body. Kate is really the one in control in those billboards.”
–Camille Paglia

“The curled pose of the Divine recalls Giovanni’s Virgin Mother masterpiece. The young Pilot the Fifth’s glowing face springs forth from the canvas, illuminating the young Mother who caresses Him, while at the same time respectfully shielding her gaze from the face of God.”
–Sister Wendy, PBS Art Historian

“I know what it’s like to be a symbol. I’ve reclaimed my identity and so has whatsername.”
–Geri Halwell (a/k/a Ginger Spice)

At a sold-out Churchill Club appearance last night, 3Com CEO Eric introduced the woman many see as his inevitable successor: “Kate is a visionary who has shown us that there is a customer base of tens of millions of women out there. We now project increased revenues of $230 million next year for our Ladies Auxilliary Product Division. I am proud to announce that Kate will be leading the entire Palm Division of 3Com.”

“My background as a dancer and a model prepared me for the challenges of developing and communicating about innovative technology. I think that comes through in the new campaign we’re unveiling today: Hairy Palms,” Hunter announced. She used a special microphone that allowed her to speak from the same pose she made famous. Hunter has decided to keep her face a mystery, since it has worked so successfully for her thus far. “One of the things I love most about this business is the completely different backgrounds everyone has. It is truly a meritocracy.”

I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Butter.com

I was thinking over my entrepreneurial options. Interactive plush toys seem to have peaked. Collaborative filtering? Hmm. Needs too many programmers. So 1997.

After much pondering and a trip to my local Safeway late one night, I became convinced that the next big vertical portal is butter.com.

So I called up my virtual CTO (whom I met trading beanie babies on eBay) and we started planning.

It’s gonna be huge. Everybody knows butter. It’s ubiquitous. Everybody needs butter, loves butter. True, there’s a population that genuinely cares about cholesterol intake. Yes, our culture’s relationship with condiments is changing. But those thoughts just prove how many butter questions there are swirling around. So much information to sort through, to find. That’s the beauty of the vertical portal. Every reference, every possibility is organized for you. Especially ones you haven’t thought of.

How much butter was sold last year? How is the euro going to affect the price of butter? Where does Al Gore stand on butter? Butter.com is the place you can go to answer all of those burning questions.

Pluto Communications has found that over 92 percent of dinner recipes call for butter. Butter gets hundreds of millions of eyeballs, or (as we like to say) tongues per month. Butter has mindshare you just can’t buy.

The co-marketing opportunities are unparalleled. We have strategic alliances with asparagus and toast. Corn on the cob has promised us exclusive condiment placement for a mere $50,000. France has promised to make butter.com the nation’s default home page.

The URL will be on every package of Land O’ Lakes–every pat of butter that comes with your dinner roll. You might order a mashed potato but before you can dig in, you’ll see butter.com melting away into fluffy carbohydrate heaven. You order snacks at the movie theater; the woman behind the counter hands you your popcorn and asks: “you want some butter.com on that?”

We’re planning an affinity campaign, so that any site can become a butter partner. Churners™, we like to call them. If you recommend butter.com to a friend, you’ll get 10 butter pats. Send us a tongue that previously used margarine, or I-Can’t-Believe-it’s-not-Butter, you’ll get 15 pats of butter and a free butter.com dish.

Let me tell you, there’s a community crying out to interact with one another around butter. There’s no outlet for people’s butter experiences and they have a lot of feelings they want to share. And recipes. Butter.com’s Butterland ends that isolation and gives them a place to meet. We make honest connections easy with special chats that allow users to share their butter pain while protecting their privacy, courtesy of a Mrs. Butterworth or Aunt Jemima avatar.

To guarantee “stickiness,” we’ve developed a breakthrough technique. After a short 38 second download, a nifty little piece of technology turns your cursor into a pat of butter while you’re on our site. It even leaves a smear of oil behind it as you move your cursor across your screen. In fact, we’ve already had several inquiries from venture capitalists about spinning off this technology into its own licensing business. Butter.com has had a lot of interest from investors. They seem to like the fact that we’ve pinpointed a market in which Microsoft has no interest.

Show me the money you say? Juliachild.com will give us 75 cents for every basting brush our butter.com users buy. Sponsorship opportunities abound. We’ve got lick through you can’t beat! Pluto found that 100 percent of new car buyers also use butter! But, why worry about generating revenues? We’ll go public and gain a market cap that will let us buy some humdrum company to take care of that boring stuff.

Even with those challenges licked, you may still harbor some doubts. How could something as basic as butter be ready for the technological challenge of the broadband era?

I’ve got one word for you: hollandaise.com.

Get A Free Life

For release: Immediately

Contacts:
The God Group
Contact: shut your eyes and think real hard

GetaFreeLife.com
888-555-1212

MORE THAN JUST THE BEST THINGS, NOW LIFE IS FREE FOR THE FIRST 6,000,000 TO SIGN UP

Subhead: GetaFreeLife.com to be First-Ever company to Partner with Proctor & Gamble, Mormon and Catholic Churches

(SUNNYVALE, SALT LAKE CITY, THE VATICAN) – – GetaFreeLife.com announced its formation and that it will be the first company in the world provide the previously impossible: a free life.

The first 6,000,000 people between the ages of 18 and 25 to qualify for the GetAFreeLife-branded Visa card, agree to a variety of life-enhancing sponsorships, hold an naturally upbeat and entrepreneurial disposition and find 6 more FreeLifers will receive a rent-free community living in GetaFreeLife duplex apartment near major urban centres around the globe. Members will also get an upfront bonus payment of $66,666 and a job. If FreeforLifers™ bring in an additional 6 more qualified friends to the GetaFreeLife Community, they will no longer need to work at a job. Therapy costs are not covered by the GetaFreeLife.com membership agreement.

Company founder and Chief Charismatic Leader and webmaster Benito Applethwaite notes: “Other companies are just giving away computers. We’re giving away something much more important to people: a place to live, a job and money.”

The company’s mission is to build the GetAFreeLife community. Members will be able to communicate via chat rooms and message boards, but will also get free tattoos that will identify them to other community members in RealLife™. The Proctor and Gamble sponsorship gives each member a duplex stocked with Crisco®, Pampers®, Oil of Olay®, Pringles®, Crest®, Metamucil®,and contractual commitment to the products for life. Other benefits include free clothing form GetAFreeLife sponsors, a bountiful supply of Z brick™ and Turtle Wax,™and a free lifetime membership of your choice in the Mormon or Catholic Church.

CCL Applethwaite elaborated on the company’s revolutionary business model: “We figure that people are spending their hard earned money on clothing with other peoples brands on it. Every industry motivates salespeople with T-shirts and caps, so why not be paid to wear them?” GetaFreeLife.com also expects large initial revenues from other Internet and high-tech players eager for exposure to the GetaFreeLife community. GimmeAFreeComputer has already an annouced that it will pay GetAFreeLife $90,000,000 to place its machines in the GetaFreeLife communities and GetAFreeLife.com will also receive FreeComputer warrants.

Board Member Richard Devos says: “The difference between the Internet business GetAFreeLife.com and Amway is that they don’t have real products, and they own so much more of the customer. It makes it so much more exciting, and belief so much more important. We look forward to learning much from the evangelism techniques of the high-tech industry.”

Gordon B. Hinkley, President and Prophet of the Mormon Church stated: “We are very excited about our partnership with GetaFreeLife.com. The Mormon Church is committed to Freedom and to Life. We are also very pleased with the incredible savings in membership and soul acquisition costs this partnership promises.”

To this, Pope Paul John the Second added: “Amen.”

CCL Applethwaite: “All we ask is that people make a short sponsorship statement before public interactions and use the FreeLife sponsor products for the rest of their days. It’s really very inobtrusive and not much to ask for when you realize that we’re funding their life! We are confident that we have no conflict with the 13th Amendment, which prohibits slavery and indentured servitude.”

Analysts predict strong competition on the Free Life space, but are bullish on GetaFreeLife.com’s early mover advantantage, growth prospects, actual revenues and mindshare. Future expansion plans include partnerships with major alcohol and tobacco companies, development of GetaFreeRetirement division and, eventually, nationhood.

Members of the GetaFreeLife.com Advisory Board include:

CCL Applethwaite’s Uncle Max; His Holiness John Paul II; Amway founder Richard M. Devos, and Karly Jones, great-grandniece of Jim.

Everyone who submits a demographic profile at the GetaFreeLife.com Web site will receive a free package of KoolAid.

# # #

Picture of an Older Woman

picture of an older woman
that is mine
for love
for hurt
a heart can stop a 50 ton trailer
upend the market
grind the hurricane outside to a screeching halt.

What is nature, what is man
next to the gripping distraction
of a heart consumed ?

Not knowing my new occupation

we saw a movie about love not long ago
a story about poetry.

I composed for myself
“this is not the love of poetry
it is too steadfast, too certain a thing”
No more stanzas came, only too pleased
with the hand in mine.

I had your hand, what did I need of words?

Peaceful into bankruptcy once more

Peaceful into bankruptcy once more
the keyboard more and more like the piano
of my mind
and harder to think in this font
eaten away by the bytes of this world
telling each other so much stuff
over and over we tell
we port in oh so many ways
here you go
and did you hear and did you hear
so much money hearing and knowing
and the wallst bull is not my idea
of value
not my idea of a pleasure, a caress
a good cherry pie to eat,
nuthin I can drive to nowhere
And where is there to go?
I told you and you told him its gonna be good
Hear that jim’s gonna fight david at recess?
just like that market cap rumour
and all these other words that the men with
suits
and IRA accounts
seem to value
all playing off each other
Crash.

Building a Web Business on Copyright Infringement

In this two-part downloadable article, I explain the different Internet content models from a copyright perspective, and analyze some of the implications for the future of the media/new media business. This piece was first published in the Silicon Alley Reporter, and then a revised version was published in Digital Mogul.

As with everything on this site, please email contact@subvert.com to request permission to license, reproduce or distribute.

Part 1 (pdf)

Part 2 (pdf)

So short with gram

So short with gram

all she wants is to talk
to hear a voice she knows while she’s still on this planet.
Not many familiar voices.
Least I can do is make mine pleasant.

But I didn’t. I complained my usual complaint,
“I’m not satisfied by my work”
and her 80 years of wisdom says back
in that same voice and words I’ve heard a thousand times
“we don’t always get to do what we want to in this life.”

This sounds to me, something like
“we never get to do what we enjoy”
so I make my point
again as I have a thousand times before
fighting the message of the world
through the familiar voice I know
the voice that I’m old enough to know, does not represent the world
no aristotle or euripides
just grama.

Proud of her stock of struggle.
Her mother’s struggle
her struggle.
Her children’s struggle.
She expects me to too. It’s honourable.
Better be after all the time you spent doing it.

Can’t life ever be what we want it to be?Better yet, isn’t it noble to try?
To dance at more than the occasional weddding?

My struggle has become
trying not to struggle.
Struggle against my safe judgement.
Struggle for fun
for fulfillment
for satisfaction.
Struggle to let my voice be heard.
To remember my own voice

after all these years of struggling
to hear it.

stop-down

My wasteland
is lush.

Full of bread and honey
for other peoples mouths.

More excess, more money
More goods, more foods,
Delectable and detailed. Quick and gourmand.
Every whim a diverse market can meet.
I am starving.
Malnourished, my belly pokes up from beneath my designer shirt
My heart shriveled like the leg some fly is perched on
In some African country far away.
Once far, now wired.
Media and analysis,
Replication blooming from every branch.
The real thing, that soul that kind pained face
Is so vaguely out of reach.

I nourished myself on promise all these years
Old while young
Experience not deserved or lived.
Merely simulated and forecast.
The moon is huge and glowing orange light
The air is warm and crickets chirp
But I barely notice. My keyboard is too loud.
My deliverables
My victories
My co-marketing
My cpm
My appearance of saviour
I cannot hide my unhappiness.
I am being throttled by my own arm.

The poverty of my affluence is shameful.
How can I afford to live?

Remember to Play

i felt so free and bursting with energy when i met you. i used to write you little poems

like little homes

i miss the words coming straight from my veins

light and playful greeting the day.

so tired of tears

and self-repentance

fo things i’ve never done yet to do

missing all the now that could shelter me.