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AOL-Time-Warner-Your-name-here

Saturday, January 1st, 2000

AOL-Time-Warner: it’s all about you.

I was watching Lehrer, formerly MacNeil-Lehrer. I guess PBS is the only media group moving away from consolidation and hyphens. Steve Case and Gerry Levin were talking up the new acquisition.

Here’s how you could tell that they’d come to new heights of power. The talk is all about the customer. It’s the opposite of someone breaking up with you. “Oh no, honey, it’s not you, it’s me. Don’t you worry.” There’s no responsibility on your shoulders at all. That’s the surest way to keep control when you’re emotionally involved.

When politically or financially involved..the surest way to be in control, to act the benevolent dictator, is to make sure that it’s never about you. It’s all about: who? Us. The customer, the consumer, the audience, the American people: whatever bland generic words you can muster in a heartfelt and earnest manner.

Just ask Bill Gates. You’d think by listening to his press conferences, that Microsoft never has a single internal need or strategy. No they are only there, as humble servants, of us. Mere elves toiling away in the night in order to respond to our every need. The American people. God bless us everyone. Didn’t Windows NT, make you feel special?

Ask Bill Clinton, or Ronald Reagan. It’s all about us! Nancy did that decorating for the American people, so we could pay 19.99 a month for Franklin Mint reproductions of the new White House china. Oh we’ve never felt so loved and protected. So nurtured by an Inaugural Ball.

Steve and Gerry. (Too bad Case’s name isn’t Tom), Hey what if the people want it to be Tom. Would he change his name?

Jim Lehrer questioned them about how powerful this new hyphenated beast would be. The response? I am quoting:

“This is not about size and it’s certainly not about power. This company is going to make a better world and serve the public interest.”

(Cue the AOL-Time-Warner owned song “From a Distance.”)

Tom and Gerry wake up in the middle of the night, worried about the end of the family-owned farm, and the 19 year olds they’ve sent to the front line. The American people have entrusted them with the minds of their young, and what an awesome responsibility it is.

A chicken in every inbox. An optical pipe for every crack pipe.

Friends were emailing each other between Fortune and Nullsoft, Atlantic Records and ICQ saying hey, we all work for the same company now. Each company, a thousand points of light. One acquisition, indivisible under God.

Look at the bright side, eventually, we’ll have national health care this way.

Or perhaps America-On-Line-Time-Warner-your-company-name-here will simplify its name with the grandest acquisition of all and remove everything but the first word.

Didn’t they say that this was all about serving the public good?

And there’s a real catchy song that goes with it.

Tom and Gerry, God shed his Grace on Thee.

Easy Money: Par for the Internet Course

Saturday, November 13th, 1999

I decided to play in the Red Herring NDA golf tournament in order to spend quality time — more than 30 seconds — in conversation with some VCs and entrepreneurs in the Internet scene. NDA is a conference where start-ups “debut,” and the playing experience mirrored the start-up life in more ways than one.

The sponsor is a little shy about sharing the total cost, but weekend green fees on this Arnold Palmer-designed course run up to $185, and there are more than 100 players. As the road show veterans say, “You do the math.”

About 30 teams of four are playing a scramble. In the spirit of the interdependent network economy, team members each take a shot based on the best ball one of their group hits. Like Sand Hill scenesters, you get to feign humility and say, “It’s all about the team” as everyone steps up to hit from your great drive.

My team includes Salesboy and Miss Fire. Salesboy’s competitive edge shows as we silently scheme to take this thing to the bank. Miss Fire’s interpretation of a collared shirt is a long-sleeve blouse off the Neiman’s rack. Salesboy and I grit our teeth. We’re going to have to carry it.

The men’s tees greet us with lawn poster advertisements, each matching a special conference theme — an innovation combining the worst of capitalism and bridal showers. I take advantage of the new gender benefit and play the ad-free women’s tees.

Salesboy and I slice and scull, respectively. We’ve got all the finesse of an over-funded team hacking at a half-baked business plan. Miss Fire heard that the women’s tees are gold, and she’s looking for one in her little bag. We gently nudge her toward the teeing ground. The resulting airball confirms our worst fears: She’s a newbie. Maybe even a brick-and-mortar type.

Just as we’re debating which foul drive to play, the organizers drive up with Sherman, the CEO. He seems like a CEO. Late, with an air of authority and befuddlement. He wears all the best golf duds and that completely-taken-care-of look. Salesboy is hopeful. “We’re saved,” he whispers.

Sherman wants to know, where does he hit the ball? We get him into place, our collective breath bated for salvation. Sherman’s elbow digs into his gut as he takes a two-foot, crooked backswing. Then he whacks at the ball like he’s in the midst an epileptic seizure. Salesboy exhales a little louder. “We’re not saved.”

Spastic swing after swing, divots flying, Sherman makes his mark on the course. We swallow our frustration and hilarity while he only gets more affable.

More sponsors show up on the eighth with extra balls and drinks. I’m starting to understand this game in Internet mode: Just land one or two great shots. There’s no time to stop and pick up the balls. You’re too busy collecting your wandering CEO and business strategy. There are plenty of balls, plenty of funders.

On a par 5 in the back nine, Miss Fire and Sherman are weaving around looking for their balls. Salesboy and I are on the green, starting to feel like camp counselors herding the troops, “C’mon, kids, this way to the next hole.” This must be why the PR people are making the big bucks these days.

Miss Fire obliviously drives over the dainty little “Carts” arrows set up to let you know when to get your cart back on the cement path. Sherman finds the hardest way possible, catching air as he heads down a series of grassy moguls. I can no longer laugh silently and drink in the absurdity of it all. He seems so serenely unaware. This guy was born to be an Internet CEO. Either that, or the second son of an English Lord.

After the hilarity dies down, something strange starts to happen. Salesboy begins nailing his drives. I’m chipping like chocolate. Miss Fire putts like a miniature golf champion.

And just when we’ve written Sherman off completely, he pulls an incredible shot completely out of his hat. Right down the middle of the fairway. We laugh like children.

The team plays on through the fading light. We don’t care any more and we perform better than ever. We play like Sherman: We don’t watch our shots, but discover our balls with delight as we drive up the course.

After three holes in the dark we stumble our way into the 19th in time for the booty. It’s our moment in the public market, to compare ourselves in the torchlight. We finished. We think we’ve saved face.

Then we see the unbelievably low scores on the tally board: 59, 63. My God, on a par 72? On this Internet Halloween, Callaway drivers are handed out to the winners, like so many Snickers bars.

Oh, well. We had a great time. We bonded despite ourselves. Then the organizers ask about the worst score. Someone admits to two under par. Salesboy announces we’ve done them seven better.

Wonder of wonders, we are each rewarded with a magnum of Veuve Clicquot. All the other tanned, weekend warriors seem willing to trade their scores for our champagne. “How can you reward the losers?” they want to know.

We laugh. It’s good to be an Internet company.

Get A Free Life

Wednesday, June 30th, 1999

For release: Immediately

Contacts:
The God Group
Contact: shut your eyes and think real hard

GetaFreeLife.com
888-555-1212

MORE THAN JUST THE BEST THINGS, NOW LIFE IS FREE FOR THE FIRST 6,000,000 TO SIGN UP

Subhead: GetaFreeLife.com to be First-Ever company to Partner with Proctor & Gamble, Mormon and Catholic Churches

(SUNNYVALE, SALT LAKE CITY, THE VATICAN) – – GetaFreeLife.com announced its formation and that it will be the first company in the world provide the previously impossible: a free life.

The first 6,000,000 people between the ages of 18 and 25 to qualify for the GetAFreeLife-branded Visa card, agree to a variety of life-enhancing sponsorships, hold an naturally upbeat and entrepreneurial disposition and find 6 more FreeLifers will receive a rent-free community living in GetaFreeLife duplex apartment near major urban centres around the globe. Members will also get an upfront bonus payment of $66,666 and a job. If FreeforLifersâ„¢ bring in an additional 6 more qualified friends to the GetaFreeLife Community, they will no longer need to work at a job. Therapy costs are not covered by the GetaFreeLife.com membership agreement.

Company founder and Chief Charismatic Leader and webmaster Benito Applethwaite notes: “Other companies are just giving away computers. We’re giving away something much more important to people: a place to live, a job and money.”

The company’s mission is to build the GetAFreeLife community. Members will be able to communicate via chat rooms and message boards, but will also get free tattoos that will identify them to other community members in RealLifeâ„¢. The Proctor and Gamble sponsorship gives each member a duplex stocked with Crisco®, Pampers®, Oil of Olay®, Pringles®, Crest®, Metamucil®,and contractual commitment to the products for life. Other benefits include free clothing form GetAFreeLife sponsors, a bountiful supply of Z brickâ„¢ and Turtle Wax,â„¢and a free lifetime membership of your choice in the Mormon or Catholic Church.

CCL Applethwaite elaborated on the company’s revolutionary business model: “We figure that people are spending their hard earned money on clothing with other peoples brands on it. Every industry motivates salespeople with T-shirts and caps, so why not be paid to wear them?” GetaFreeLife.com also expects large initial revenues from other Internet and high-tech players eager for exposure to the GetaFreeLife community. GimmeAFreeComputer has already an annouced that it will pay GetAFreeLife $90,000,000 to place its machines in the GetaFreeLife communities and GetAFreeLife.com will also receive FreeComputer warrants.

Board Member Richard Devos says: “The difference between the Internet business GetAFreeLife.com and Amway is that they don’t have real products, and they own so much more of the customer. It makes it so much more exciting, and belief so much more important. We look forward to learning much from the evangelism techniques of the high-tech industry.”

Gordon B. Hinkley, President and Prophet of the Mormon Church stated: “We are very excited about our partnership with GetaFreeLife.com. The Mormon Church is committed to Freedom and to Life. We are also very pleased with the incredible savings in membership and soul acquisition costs this partnership promises.”

To this, Pope Paul John the Second added: “Amen.”

CCL Applethwaite: “All we ask is that people make a short sponsorship statement before public interactions and use the FreeLife sponsor products for the rest of their days. It’s really very inobtrusive and not much to ask for when you realize that we’re funding their life! We are confident that we have no conflict with the 13th Amendment, which prohibits slavery and indentured servitude.”

Analysts predict strong competition on the Free Life space, but are bullish on GetaFreeLife.com’s early mover advantantage, growth prospects, actual revenues and mindshare. Future expansion plans include partnerships with major alcohol and tobacco companies, development of GetaFreeRetirement division and, eventually, nationhood.

Members of the GetaFreeLife.com Advisory Board include:

CCL Applethwaite’s Uncle Max; His Holiness John Paul II; Amway founder Richard M. Devos, and Karly Jones, great-grandniece of Jim.

Everyone who submits a demographic profile at the GetaFreeLife.com Web site will receive a free package of KoolAid.

# # #

Peaceful into bankruptcy once more

Friday, January 1st, 1999

Peaceful into bankruptcy once more
the keyboard more and more like the piano
of my mind
and harder to think in this font
eaten away by the bytes of this world
telling each other so much stuff
over and over we tell
we port in oh so many ways
here you go
and did you hear and did you hear
so much money hearing and knowing
and the wallst bull is not my idea
of value
not my idea of a pleasure, a caress
a good cherry pie to eat,
nuthin I can drive to nowhere
And where is there to go?
I told you and you told him its gonna be good
Hear that jim’s gonna fight david at recess?
just like that market cap rumour
and all these other words that the men with
suits
and IRA accounts
seem to value
all playing off each other
Crash.

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